Harry PotterDursley and the Tragic Lack of Bacon
by alikat522
Summary: Petunia and Vernon are able to put their grudges aside and raise the boys as brothers, completely equal...so they end up with two spoiled, greedy brats.
1. Chapter 1

(Disclaimer: The first two paragraphs are modified excerpts from "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone". I am not JK Rowling, all Harry Potter stuff belongs to her; I just like to hang out in her world.)

Nearly ten years had passed since the Dursleys had woken up to find their nephew on the front step, but Privet Drive had hardly changed at all. The sun rose on the same tidy front gardens and lit up the brass number four on the Dursleys' front door; it crept into their living room, which was almost exactly the same as it had been on the night when Mr. Dursley had seen that fateful news report about the owls. Only the photographs on the mantelpiece really showed how much time had passed.

Ten years ago, there had been lots of pictures of what looked like a large pink beach ball wearing different-colored bonnets - but Dudley Dursley and Harry Potter-Dursley were no longer babies, and now the photographs showed two large boys riding their first bicycles, on a carousel at the fair, playing a computer game with their father, being hugged and kissed by their mother.

For Harry Potter-Dursley was still there, asleep at the moment, but not for long. His Aunt Petunia was awake and it was her shrill voice that made the first noise of the day, calling up the stairs.

"Harry-dear, come downstairs for your special double-birthday breakfast!"

Petunia would have walked up the stairs and opened the door, as she had when the boys were younger, waking each with a kiss on the forehead, but the long years of carrying a portly toddler on each hip had caused nightmares for her back and knees; the stairs were only a challenge to be taken when necessary. She called up again.

"Hurry, darling, or Duddey will have opened all his presents before you've gotten to yours!"

That was enough to pull him out of bed. The springs in the mattress creaked as Harry rolled and dangled his thick legs over the edge. He blinked, yawned widely, and promptly forgot the last traces of the previous night's dream (something about motorcycles or demolition derbies or maybe that toy car that his aunt and uncle had better have gotten him for Dudley's birthday).

The Dursley had not always given both boys presents for both birthdays. But not a single June would pass without Harry making a terrible fuss while he watched Dudley open present after present. The whining and crying and kicking would go on for weeks and weeks, and just when both Petunia and Vernon were at their wits end, July 31st would roll around and Harry would be happy. And Dudley would start throwing tantrums. On the boy's seventh year, they had realized that the easiest thing would be to give both boys two birthdays; and besides, who could deny their little angels one more special day each?

Harry hefted himself to his feet, letting his belly swing freely over the waist band of his pajamas. He brushed his hair back off of his shiny forehead, barely acknowledging the scar in the mirror as he got dressed. This time in a few months, he'd be putting on a smart new Smeltings uniform, but for now it was his sports jersey and jeans, an almost identical match to what Dudley was sure to be wearing. People thought they dressed alike to be closer; they knew they dressed alike so that neither could claim to look better than the other. They weighed exactly the same, wore the same haircut, and between their similar builds and Harry's top-of-the-line contacts, they could have passed as twins. All except for that stupid scar, left over from when his parents had died in some sort of car accident, or something like that.

He had heard a few stories about them, about how they were a couple of hippies that his aunt and uncle hadn't associated with that much. His dad hadn't worked and his mom had always been odd, and from all sounds of it, Harry had lucked out to be raised by his aunt and uncle instead.

He waddled downstairs into the cloud of bacon-smell and over to the dual piles of presents. He and Dudley had given Vernon and Petunia an extra challenge this year; they had asked for different things worth different amounts of money. Dudley's list had gone for quantity, a large number of items, whereas Harry had written down fewer, more expensive presents. Either way, the Dursleys were caught: if they both had the same amount of presents, Dudley would complain that Harry's were more expensive, and if they stuck to the lists, Harry would cry about his smaller pile. The compromise would inevitably be to buy both boys everything from both lists, with the added bonus of them never having to share. Harry and Dudley had spent days coming up with the plan, and they just hoped it would hold for Christmas too.

Vernon Dursley was already sitting at the table, reading the newspaper with his head in his hand, chewing on a burnt piece of bacon that Petunia had known the boys would have complained about. His relatively thin frame was wedged into his chair around the stacks of packages, squished against the edge of the table. The packages paid for with his hard-earned money.

He would never begrudge the boys anything; they were good kids with strong personalities and developed senses of exactly what they wanted out of the world. That was what he told himself every moment of his seventy hour work week, as he strived to earn just a bit more and get the boys everything they needed. No one could ever say he let his family go without.

The only thing he really needed to attend to was the reorganization of the house. With Petunia's joints being what they were, they needed to switch some of the rooms and give themselves a ground-floor bedroom. He would have done it weeks ago, but he just hadn't found the time, and he couldn't ask the boys to move boxes and furniture all day. This was their summer vacation; they had earned a break.

Dudley had finished counting both piles when Harry wheezed his way over to the table and sunk his thick backside into a chair. Dudley gave a quick thumbs up, the gesture almost lost in the expanse of his pudgy hand; their plan had worked. Harry grinned to himself and turned to the table, only to find the most horrible sight he had ever seen before his eyes.

"Why isn't there anymore bacon?"

Vernon stopped mid-bite and stared down at the greasy and crumb-covered, but otherwise empty, serving plate.

"I wanted bacon this morning. Why isn't there any?"

Vernon lowered the burnt quarter-piece slowly back down to the plate.

"That's burnt! Why isn't there any good bacon left? Why?"

The sound of impending screams brought Petunia shuffling back into the kitchen, struggling to hold the final stack of boxes. Vernon jumped to his feet to get them for her, grabbing before they dropped out of her thin arms. She turned her wide eyes on the black-haired boy.

"Is something wrong, Harry-sweetums?"

He glared at her, eyes squinting out between bulbous cheeks and eyebrows.

"There's not any bacon left! You didn't make enough!"

"No no no no, sweetie, I just wanted to make sure it was warm when you came down, it's in the oven. I would never forget to make enough on yours and Dudley's special day."

He rushed to the oven without another word, pulling out the overflowing pan, while Petunia leaned over to whisper into Vernon's ear.

"Dudley went through the first pound earlier, and that one is for Harry, so we only have three left. Could you run out to the store soon? We're cutting it very close."

Vernon nodded and set down the boxes, pecking Petunia on the cheek. He was out the door in a minute, always ready to provide for his son and nephew.

He stepped right over the parchment envelope on the doormat.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thank you for all of the positive responses to the first chapter. I don't know how far I will end up going with this story, but I hope you enjoy what I have here.

-/-

The zoo was stupid. Dudley was stupid for having chosen the zoo for his birthday. Harry had asked (demanded) to go to a professional wrestling match for his birthday, and he was already counting down the days. If Dudley had asked for a wrestling match as well, they could have gone twice, instead of standing around looking at a bunch of dumb animals.

The Dursley family had gotten off to a slow start that morning, as the boys had had to make sure that every one of their presents was up to their standards before they left the house. They didn't have to coordinate with any other families, though, so that sped things up quite a bit; Harry and Dudley were sort of their own little gang. They had a few friends that they spent time with at school, but during the summers, it was mostly the two of them. That skinny Polkiss boy had been a friend in the area for a while, although "plaything" was probably a more accurate term. But Mrs. Polkiss had thrown a fit after the last time that Piers came home black and blue, so they didn't live in the neighborhood anymore, and Piers had moved to a school that hired real therapists. So it was just Harry and Dudley, the kings of the block.

At the zoo, they worked their way through the various exhibits, finding all the biggest animals and stopping at all of the food stands. The manager of the zoo had already had to come over once and talk to them about throwing things at the gorillas, but Petunia had been able to talk him into letting them stay, with only one breakdown of "Please, you have no idea what they'll be like at home!"

The reptile house was the last stop of their visit, unless they hit the hot dog stand outside, which they certainly would. Vernon practically fell onto the first bench he saw when they got into the cool cement structure; he had pulled an all-nighter in order to be available for the boy's special day, and the hours in the sun were taking their toll. Petunia sunk down next to him and rested her hand on his arm. At least with the boys in one building, they could take a moment to rest.

Harry and Dudley quickly found the biggest snake in the entire place, a huge boa constrictor. Unfortunately, it had chosen the middle of Dudley's birthday to do something stupid like sleep. Dudley banged on the glass.

"Come on, do something!"

The snake didn't move. Harry joined in on the glass banging.

"Wake up, you stupid snake!"

This did get the boa's eyes open, just slightly. It eyed the two shouting boys, slowly uncoiled its head from the layered piles of its body…and went to the back of its cage, behind some bushes. If Harry had been listening carefully, he would have heard a whisper of "Pleasssse, I'm trying to ssssssleep."

But Harry was not listening carefully. Harry was banging on the glass with a full closed fist now.

"Get back here, you bloody reptile! We didn't come all this way to see you be a lazy arse!"

A mother at the next display put her hands over her small daughter's ears and glared at the two ruffians.

"Ugh, this is so boring! I just wanna get in there and see that big thing, make it do something cool. If only this damn glass wasn't here!"

And just like every other time in Harry James Potter-Dursley's life, his wish came true. The glass vanished beneath his hand, causing Dudley to jump back in shock and terror. Harry, however, took this for what it truly was; a sign that the universe liked him, and wanted him to be happy.

He jumped onto the open edge of the cage, ignoring the screams behind him. He was many things (such as greedy, rude, and generally horrible), but he was not a coward. In fact, bravery could be said to be one of his few redeeming qualities. It was this little quirk of his personality that drove him further into the snake's tank.

"You are not suppossssssed to be in here. Go away, pleassssse."

Once again, the breathy whispers slipped beneath his notice as he stepped over the wet rocks, small pool, and bloody remains from an earlier feeding. He had one eye on the coils of the snake, and another on a large stick on the ground, underneath the small scenery tree. It was a prime poking stick, perfectly suited for all range of victims, from seven year olds to twenty foot long serpents. It was like someone had left it there just for him. He grabbed the stick in hand and moved closer to his target.

"You better lissssssten. I won't hold back if you get too closssssse."

Harry wanted to see if he could manage to poke it in the eye. Did snakes blink? Would its eye get all swollen and red, or would it just pop out? How hard would he have to jab to squish it completely?

"I warned you, sssssssilly human."

Two things happened at almost the exact same moment: the snake struck, head rocketing out from its pile of coils, and the woman in charge of the reptile house pulled on the back of Harry's collar with all of her might. She didn't have nearly enough strength to tug the whale-child out of the tank, but she did bring him to the ground, causing the boa to miss its strike. Three other animal handlers immediately joined in to drag Harry's mass out of the tank, while a net and hook were employed to try and wrangle the furiously hissing snake.

Petunia and Vernon were sobbing hysterically when Harry was deposited back into their arms. They should have known better than to leave him alone; what if he had gotten hurt? This was their little darling nephew, who had been left all alone on their doorstep, and this was how they showed their love? By getting him nearly eaten by a snake? They could not let anything bad ever happen to their boys ever again.

Harry just pouted and glared at the zoo handlers. He had almost got to poke the snake with a stick, and then they had ruined all his fun. Why didn't anyone let him do anything cool?

The entire reptile house had been cleared, save for the Dursley family and the professionals. The boa constrictor still thrashed at his bonds; anyone with the ability could have heard him saying "Let me at the little basssssstard!"

The snake in the next tank shook its head slightly, readjusted its position against the glass of its own case and continued to watch the black haired boy. Not a lot of style, but he did have real potential. And there was something about him that intrigued it, although it couldn't put its tail on it. It deserved some further investigation, no doubt.

The head of the reptile house spared a glance for the snake in the next case, which seemed to be watching the chaos with the boa. When she had heard that a snake gotten loose, she had assumed it would be this one: it seemed to have a way of getting out of the most impossible locks and cases. But no, that case was still firmly latched and locked. The placard above it gleamed brightly.

"Species Unknown.

This female specimen is on loan from the government of Albania, where it is believed to be an example of a new breed of snake. The specimen will be returned home soon, where it will certainly warrant further study."

The snake watched the black haired boy. Harry watched the snake.

He wished he had another poking stick.


	3. Chapter 3

"I don't want to go to some freak school with a bunch of crazy weirdos!"

The giant man blinked over his cup of tea. When Mr. Dursley had invited him into the living room so politely, he had expected this meeting to go smoothly. But apparently Harry wasn't about to let that happen.

Hagrid had to admit, he had expected something a little different. He knew that Harry would be a different person, but he had still sort of expected to find a tiny James or tiny Lily at Privet Drive. There was nothing tiny about the boy sitting on the floral couch, arms crossed over his bulky chest and brow lowered in a thick glare.

"I'm going to Smeltings in the fall. I have my uniform and everything, even the stick. Why should I go with you play and pretend games with nutjobs?"

"Harry, lad, I don' think you quite understand how great Hogwarts is."

"Well, it produced something like you, so it doesn't really seem like my kind of place. God, what are you wearing? Some sort of dead badger?"

Dudley snorted into his tea from his position dominating the other couch. Petunia stood behind Harry, her hands on his porky shoulders, and narrowed her eyes at Hagrid.

"That place is what cost me my sister, Mr. Hagrid. I'm not about to let her son end up the same way, not after he was entrusted to me ten years ago. Your lot gave him up then, and he is my little boy now, as close as a son."

Harry was too busy reaching for another slice of cake from the coffee table to notice the revised story of how his parents had died. He wouldn't have cared too much even if he had been paying attention. He didn't remember those people, they hadn't done anything for him, and even though his aunt and uncle had stupid rules like "no fires in the house" and "no more than three suspensions in a school year or no TV for a week", they were still okay as parents. He didn't want anything that this Hagrid guy was offering.

"Seriously, if you're the best they can send, it must be a nasty place indeed" he said around a mouthful of frosting. "What's the headmaster like, some sort of troll?"

This had Hagrid on his feet, looming over the entire room.

"Now listen here, I'm not 'bout to stand for some kid insulting one o' the greatest wizards of our age!"

Petunia shrieked and hurried around the couch, shielding Harry with her bony frame. Vernon stood up and tried to make his own skeletal body look intimidating against the huge man. Harry and Dudley just smirked at the chaos unfolding in front of them.

"Now I am going to need to ask you to leave, sir!" said Vernon in a stronger voice than his small form implied. "You gave your pitch and my nephew turned you down. Nothing more to do then leave and try on some other boy!"

"No, but you don' understand!" Hagrid blustered, going red in the face. "This's an important issue! It's important that Harry go to Hogwarts, Dumbledore said so! He has to come!"

Even more color drained out of Petunia's face.

"Are you threatening to kidnap one of the two prides and joys of my life? Vernon, Vernon, call the police, I'm not letting them take my little Harry-dear!" Her sobs only paused briefly when Harry elbowed her in the side to stop her from blocking the cake.

Vernon grabbed a poker from the fire and held it in front of him like a sword. Hagrid automatically held up his pink umbrella, but Dudley and Harry's cackles drew his attention to just what he was doing. He lowered the umbrella and backed away towards the door.

"How bout this, then? I'll send Dumbledore to talk to ye, see if he can make this any clearer. I'll jus be off now. Harry, I-"

The words "hope to see you soon" died in his throat, so he just waved slightly and slipped out the door. Harry made a certain rude gesture towards the retreating figure as Vernon rushed over and locked and bolted the door. Petunia collapsed on the couch next to Harry, clutching him around the shoulders and weeping.

Dudley looked over his sobbing mother at Harry.

"Wow, sounds like they really want you for that school."

"Course they do. I'm pretty awesome. Who wouldn't want me?"


End file.
